Yes, I would like fries with that shit sandwich

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I sit staring out the living room window like a cat toward the road. My coffee cup warms my hands. I pray. I fill half a page in my journal. Not much to work through.

I set it down and head into my office to begin my day.

I feel content and serene today. Very peaceful. Very light. That’s a big improvement over the shit sandwich of separation I served myself back in October.

burro in petting zoo

Part of my drive to serve is a new volunteer gig with the Humane Society of the U.S.

The sea was angry in October, my friends. I was angry about Donald Trump. Angry about dating etiquette. Angry about those darned Phoenicians looking down on Tempe. Just angry. I wanted separation, rather than union, between myself and everyone else.

What went wrong? Working too much. Isolating at home all day. Dating the wrong women. I spent time focusing my dating intention during Meander 2015, but I found myself once again investing energy in women who weren’t right for me.

The anger subsided as I committed to daily exercise, less work and more service, coworking to break the isolation, and getting my mind right about women.

Now, there’s serenity and contentment. That’s fueled a drive to serve – to be a giver rather than a taker of spiritual energy – and a drive to create things like this blog post.

More than Serenity and Contentment

I know from past experience that the universe offers more than serenity and contentment. And, as I sit staring out the window, I miss the way it used to be.

I’m not talking about those Big Amazing Moments where I’ve been overwhelmed by wonder at beautiful sights and moving experiences. I’ve certainly had those – from one of my first big solo hikes at Nevada’s Red Rock Canyon, to an hour sitting among the bees buzzing around my flowering broccoli, to a cup of Fairytale hot chocolate on the foggy Mendocino coast.

No. Here I’m talking about Long Stretches of Spiritual Growth. These are times when I’ve chased a shit sandwich with deep commitment to my practice and been rewarded by spirit’s presence in my life.

I miss that. I miss being inspired.

When the nightmares returned after my ex moved out in 2010, I sat up in bed every night. I took inventory of my day and prayed by candlelight before retiring. If I woke from a nightmare, I relit the candles and repeated a safety affirmation again and again until I fell back to sleep. Eventually, the nightmares went away.

“God’s love is abundant. I’m protected at the level to which I am open.”

When my job at Bulbstorm was most challenging, I dedicated my mornings to preparing mentally for the day. I explored my character flaws and trigger points through daily Enneagram work. I scripted how I’d answer simple questions like How was your weekend?. I broke my isolation by stopping at each teammates’ desk on arrival. When, confused by stress, I perceived people turning against me, I’d return to my Enneagram work to identify the trigger and then sweat it out on a run along the canal.

“Jane is my teammate and wants what’s best for the team. We’re all in this together.”

When I had the big breakthroughs in my first Meander, they were preceded by weeks of disconnection from my smartphone and a regimented morning practice of prayer, spiritual reading, and journaling. When old pain or fear surfaced during long lonely hours on the trail or on the road, I rewired my thinking with specific affirmations.

“Past partners are in the past. My true partner will be waiting for me when I’m ready.”

Waiting for an Exclamation Point

As I stared out the window, I first thought that the Big Amazing Moments were unique from the Long Stretches of Spiritual Growth.

Upon further reflection, I think they’re inseparable. The Long Stretches are preceded by hard times and punctuated by Big Amazing Moments. And the punctuation tends to be an exclamation point.

My victory over my post-breakup nightmares in 2010 was punctuated by my Thanksgiving trip to Las Vegas to explore Red Rock (and see Roger Waters perform The Wall!). The worker bees in my garden inspired me after digging out of the low-points of my Bulbstorm days. The foggy Mendocino coast blew me away only after I recovered from the volatile first half of Meander 2013.

The funny thing is that it’s hard for me to recognize that I’m in a Long Stretch until it’s punctuated by a Big Amazing Moment.

It turns out that I’m in a Long Stretch now. Serenity. Contentment. Giving. Creativity. Duh! I just didn’t recognize the Long Stretch without the punctuation.

I leave for a three-night backpacking trip at the Grand Canyon on Tuesday. Big Amazing Moment booked.

Bring on the exclamation point!

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snow at Grand Canyon

As Yosemite reveals itself, the Meander begins

I left the city in a mad rush. The dash from Fresno’s airport to Fresno’s REI was frantic. I needed more food, more fuel, and warm socks before heading to Yosemite. And I hoped to get there before dark.

The Meander officially began on May 9, but it was vastly different than I’d expected. It was busy. Too much company and commotion. Too much Griswold-ing. I divided 18 days between tourist time with Jamie and my dad in San Diego, then fun time with Keena’s family in Burbank, then three go-go-go days with Jamie driving the Pacific Coast Highway through Big Sur. These were positive experiences, but whew …

Mt. Watkins reflects in Mirror Lake.

Mt. Watkins reflects in Mirror Lake.

Finally, with 60 miles of open road between me and three nights alone at Yosemite, it was time for the Meander to begin. Except, it didn’t. I was ready for my cathartic moment. I tried to prime the pump with the Into the Wild soundtrack. Nope. With sun setting, I played the second side of Darkside of the Moon. Still nothing.

And then, as Roger Waters let out his last long “mooooooooooooon”, I rounded a corner and the sign for Yosemite National Park appeared. Finally, I started to cry. Soon, I was preparing for bed at Wawona Campground about an hour south of the famous Yosemite Valley.

That night I dreamt that access to the valley itself had been barred. The entry point immortalized by countless Hudson River School landscapes and Instagram selfies was closed. All I could see was ferris wheels, roller coasters, and other commercial recreation in the distance. Wally World was closed. I was crushed.

Day One

I woke up to the light tapping of rain on my tent. I stepped out of my tent into a pine forest and learned my first lesson of Yosemite. Never separate from your camera. A deer stood less than 15 feet away. Welcome to Yosemite!

My first item of business was a stop at the campground reservation office. To my surprise, I was able to extend my stay to a fourth night and relocate to the coveted valley floor the following morning. Not wanting to spoil the surprise of the valley before moving, I honey-badgered coffee from the nearby lodge and headed to the scenic south rim of the valley en route to Glacier Point.

4,000+ feet of Yosemite Falls.

4,000+ feet of Yosemite Falls.

The hour drive toward Glacier Point meanders through thick forest as it ascends 3,500 feet from Wawona. It was under 50 degrees and the whole place smelled like a Christmas tree lot. I stopped for a short stroll to a meadow where I hoped to see more wildlife. I watched trout (?) swimming in the stream for a while before heading to a five-mile loop hike that passed scenic overlooks Taft Point and Sentinel Dome.

Ignite Phoenix presenter Indiia Wilmott said, “I hate the phrase ‘Words can’t describe.’ Of course they can. They’re words. That’s what they do.” So, I’ll avoid hyperbole and accept that words can indeed describe Yosemite. However, I will not accept that words can do it justice.

After two miles at 7,500 feet, I was a tad short of breath. When I made the final ascent at Taft Point, the rest of my breath was literally taken away. I shed multiple tears and cracked a wide smile as I stared across the valley floor 3,500 feet below me to Yosemite Falls.

I’d never seen anything like it. Not even close. The water doesn’t cascade. It free falls 1,400 feet. It doesn’t form a smooth ribbon. It’s blown, spread, and turned into mist by the wind before collecting in a basin.

Half Dome from Glacier Point.

Half Dome from Glacier Point.

I was mesmerized. Imagine my surprise when a few hundred yards later, I discovered that I only saw the upper falls. Beneath the basin, the water falls further – 2,425 feet in total – before collecting and cutting through the valley floor below.

I spent the rest of the day similarly amazed by the setting. From Sentinel Dome and Glacier Point, I saw the back half of the valley. More waterfalls. More granite formations. Snow-capped mountains.

Day Two

The next morning, I packed up my tent, honey badgered another cup of coffee, and embarked on the hour drive to my new campground in Yosemite Valley.

Just before I entered, I was offered a brief glimpse of the valley and then shoved into a mile-long tunnel. When I emerged above ground again, I was treated to an unreal view – and a sudden turn into Valley View overlook.

The valley opened before me. A light mist shrouded the valley floor, adding a surreal quality to the scene. On each flank, granite cliffs El Capitan and Sentinel Rock protected the entrance like the Argonath river statues in Lord of the Rings. Bridalveil Fall dove 620 feet to the floor. Half Dome peaked out from behind the guardians. In the distance, the snow-capped peaks of the high sierra were partially covered in clouds.

The entrance to Yosemite Valley.

The entrance to Yosemite Valley.

As I parked, I instinctively looked away. Why? I have no idea. It was incredible. I shed another tear or two. John Muir said, “It is by far the grandest of all the special temples of nature I was ever permitted to enter.” I won’t argue his point.

I determined that my next stop would be the reservation office, where my stay was surprisingly extended for a fifth night. A Friday, no less.

With three guaranteed nights on the valley floor, I suddenly had all the time I could possibly need. That’s when time stopped. There were no more points of interest to get to. There were no more sights to see. The play-by-play blended together into an infinite series of tress and trails and rivers and mountains.

The Meander had finally begun.